Confidence Isn’t What You Think It Is
Mid-practice in college, after a tough bucket, I screamed at my coach:
“These motherfuckers can’t guard me.”
On the outside, I looked confident and loud.
But inside? I was just a scared kid, desperate for approval.
I wasn’t confident—I was faking it, hoping someone else’s praise would make me believe in myself.
No one had ever taught me what real confidence looked or felt like.
So I copied what I saw in movies, NBA highlights, and athlete interviews.
I thought confidence meant yelling, talking trash, and proving the haters wrong.
I couldn’t have been more off.
That fake confidence ruined multiple basketball seasons.
What Confidence Really Is
Confidence has nothing to do with others.
It’s not about proving, impressing, or performing.
Confidence is executing a skill while being okay with who you are and where you are.
In college, I wasn’t okay with who I was.
My mind was flooded with fear and insecurity:
Am I good enough to play at this level?
Do the guys even like me?
If I don’t succeed, will people stop loving me?
When I made shots, I talked big, hoping others would believe me.
When I missed, I went silent and blamed everyone else.
This all came to a conclusion in my third year at the University of Nebraska.
I wasn’t playing, stuck on scout team, isolated from teammates, and distrusted by coaches.
I had no confidence—on or off the court.
The Shift
It wasn’t until I turned to philosophy that things changed.
I realised I’d been trying to build confidence from results—making shots, getting compliments and winning approval. But that kind of confidence collapses the moment you fail.
Stoicism taught me a different approach:
Confidence comes from clarity of values, acceptance, and controlling what you can control.
I made a list of my values:
Hard work
Integrity
Honesty
Open-mindedness
Focusing on these gave me clarity in who I wanted to be and how I wanted to act.
My confidence was no longer tied to basketball results.
How to Build Genuine Confidence
Here’s the framework I used (and still use):
Write down your values. What behaviour matters most to you?
Observe yourself. Notice when you live up to those values—and when you don’t. Don’t judge, just notice.
Lean into discomfort. Slowly put yourself in more situations where you’re forced to act on those values.
This shifted my basketball performance.
I wasn’t afraid of missing shots anymore, because my value wasn’t tied to makes and misses.
I cared about being a good teammate, working hard, and learning every day.
The Truth
Confidence isn’t loud bravado.
It isn’t talking trash or demanding attention.
Confidence is a stillness within.
A quiet love for yourself, exactly as you are, right now.
It doesn’t come from hitting shots or silencing haters.
It comes from living your values—and nothing else.